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View Full Version : Narrative writing sucks.



Uzi
10-06-2012, 03:07 AM
Hello, I am Uzi as you all know and I occasionally write. I prefer writing expository to narrative but I rarely get to write expository in class.

I wrote this for an assignment last week, we were assigned a 6 word phrase and I got "Crowded Subway. Stolen Wallet. Everyone's suspicious." We had to follow the skeleton given to us by the 6 word phrase. I actually had fun writing this and would appreciate constructive criticism on it other than "omgzzzz epic story : D"

https://docs.google.com/open?id=14sLTQHxOKxwQcpVahKVcNhbs4BxYSJdvfQC8TdgtY P_VdAoeWqNJ4dxRfXJi

It's on a Google Doc because saving things on your hard drive is too mainstream.

Gyaradomo
10-06-2012, 04:08 AM
K so here are my crappy feedback comments for your pleasure
First of all, I actually like your hook. It gets the reader into reading more of it. A bad thing though is that it kind of goes off topic, just a little bit. If you trim the first 3 paragraphs down to 2, it would fit. I also really like how you kind of transitioned into the subway thief thing, it was subtle but noticeable. If you didn't put the whole topic on the top, it would've been pretty good foreshadowing. But the redundancy of "you" doesn't work out for my taste. The references to other works of art are really good, I like that. A problem is that you might've gone into the people's blurry faces thing a bit too fast. The twist at the end went a little bit too fast, but overall it was good. The conclusion was kinda bad though, it feels like it left me with no closure or anything. Overall, I give it a 8/10. The story itself was good, just the conclusion and some problems in the middle made it lose that 2 points. I'll post more or edit this if I want to read more and edit.

EpicCh33se
10-06-2012, 05:21 AM
A problem is that you might've gone into the people's blurry faces thing a bit too fast.

I agree with this.


The twist at the end went a little bit too fast, but overall it was good. The conclusion was kinda bad though, it feels like it left me with no closure or anything.

This story is written in first person, isn't it? If the character inside the story experiences whatever happens without notice, then that would appear in the text.
Also, the story was supposed to leave the reader thinking about what happened next after the "ending". Uzi didn't want a solid ending, as that would be too straight-forward.

Uzi
10-06-2012, 11:44 AM
What exactly do you guys mean by going into the blurry faces part too fast? Are you saying that I should have focused on that part more, and showing the MC what it is like to stay in that state or what?

Regarding the ending, I didn't want to give this story a solid ending from the start. It's weird since I like math but never like solid endings for books unless they're done right. I can't do that myself, and if I'm not happy with it myself then I won't include that part. I appreciate the post though, thanks.

Gyaradomo
10-06-2012, 04:27 PM
I felt like the blurry faces was too sudden. You could slowly go into it more, like you start realizing it. It's kind of like if a person was walking in a park and the person is now suddenly on top of a skyscraper with no transition. And with the ending, it kinda just changes for me. If I read a story that's turning a little dark, I expect a little dark ending. Same goes for happiness too. The last sentence just doesn't cut it for me, but that's just my opinion.

Uzi
10-06-2012, 05:46 PM
Oh, I see where you're going with it. I feel like I could have expanded on that too. I think that it would have made a good standalone paragraph, or an introductory one if I did write it out.

With the whole ending situation, if it makes you feel better I originally planned for Michael to wake up, and know that the subway situation was only a dream.But then I'd feel like pulling an Inception because one dream isn't enough nowadays.

Ayra
10-06-2012, 08:05 PM
He was stole what was the most important to a person,

other than this piece of grammatical error (near the end), it is perfect.

Glace
10-06-2012, 08:14 PM
A grammatical error at the end and dat's all.

I liek it.

Qwerty
10-09-2012, 05:28 AM
I didn't really read the whole thing, but my main impression was that you overused "I insert verb here"
Perhaps a little more sentence variation, but otherwise the writing seems solid.

Zachgoose
10-11-2012, 10:46 PM
You remind me of my writing style when I was your age.

The story was creative and entertaining.

Also I was gay for Lance. Good job. :D