PDA

View Full Version : Skyscraper



Glace
10-17-2012, 03:55 AM
Whoo, I did not base the title off of Demi Lovato’s song for all those that care. Bleah. I’m pretty sure no one cares, but just putting that out there. Anywho! I just came up with the idea of this fanfic and I wanted to jot it down here before it slips out. But two things:

1) It does not include Pokemon or anything from video games, anime, etc.
2) DIS IS AN ORIGINAL IDEA. AT LEAST, IT SHOULD BE. /caps

Chapter One

I finished the last lyric to the song. The audience gave a wild standing ovation and I just stood there, giving a goofy smile. One adult even shouted out, “DO ANOTHER SONG!” I shook my head, disappointing him, but then he lit up when he remembered I was doing another gig tomorrow. Then I curtseyed, and left the building.

“Great job out there, Lara. You get a bigger fan base everyday. Somebody’s gotta sign you up at their studio soon.” J greeted me.

J(his real name is Jacques, he insists on being called J) is like my agent, booking me at gigs around NYC and helping me develop my music career. Most of the performances I’ve done were thanks to J. He’s also my best friend, and has been since first grade.

“Yeah,” I agreed. “I’ve been here for three years now. Some record producer’s gotta notice. I’ve been getting more famous ‘round here ev’ryday.”

J nodded, then drove me back home to our apartment. “Thanks, J,” I smiled. J nodded again, then went to his room/mancave. (He insists I call it a mancave. Derp.) I went up to the bathroom and swept the wisps of brown hair away from my face, revealing my sapphire blue eyes. I wiped off the eyeliner, blush, and lipstick. Then I went to the kitchen to make dinner.

The TV was turned on, and I changed the channel to the news channel. I miss out on this because I’m out seven hours a day, six days a week. This girlie has to be caught up on news, too! I sat down for a minute and watched the news before making dinner.

Traffic. Boring.
Robbery. Happens everyday.
Music competition. Bor-Wait, what?

And I shall end the chapter there. Please critique it, don’t put ‘omgzzzz it’s awesome (dango)’ because that does not help anyone improve at all.

CaptainRed1000
10-17-2012, 04:05 AM
Traffic. Boring.
Robbery. Happens everyday.
Music competition. Bor-Wait, what?

Wow, nice ending (I'm being serious)
Truthfully, I've never been a big fan of music, but this story, despite being partly about music, has the opposite effect on me. Great grammar, great character development, great explanations. A great start. I look forward to seeing what you do with this.

megagamer
10-18-2012, 11:09 PM
Pretty nice! Look foward to more!

Umbrony
10-18-2012, 11:28 PM
And I shall end the chapter there. Please critique it, don’t put ‘omgzzzz it’s awesome (dango)’ because that does not help anyone improve at all.


Pretty nice! Look foward to more!

Lel


Well, I think that you could be a little more descriptive about the location and the characters. I honestly have no idea how your location, or how Jacques looks.


J(his real name is Jacques, he insists on being called J)
J nodded again, then went to his room/mancave. (He insists I call it a mancave. Derp.)

This

Okay, you do not need to use parentheses to give details about a character. You can just say it within the sentence, this gives the story a more "professional" atmostphere. Do NOT use the word derp as a one-word sentence all alone.

This would have worked


J—whose real name is Jacques, although he insists on being called J—,
J nodded again, and then went to his room—or "mancave" he'd rather I call it—

That's about it. Well done.

LovelyOshawott
10-19-2012, 01:25 AM
I liked it to be honest and I thought it was well written and I like the story so far.

super dill
10-19-2012, 12:49 PM
it is really good cant wait to see more!

Glace
10-24-2012, 10:50 PM
Sorry I haven't posted Chapter Two. I've been really weighed down with rehearsals and progress report grades and whatnot. I'll try to post it this weekend (no promises.).