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Pokemon73
11-28-2012, 11:15 PM
As the name applies this will be the story of the Pokemon Diamond and Pearl games. I will try to make the story as realistic as I can and you are allowed to reply to my story if you like it as it goes. The story will be updated every 5 days ( If it a week before a holiday then I won't update and I will select a date after the holiday to make it up ) . So wish me luck with this.


NOTICE: First part of the story will be December 1, 2012 ( done )
NOTICE: Second part of the story will be December 9, 2012 ( done )
NOTICE: Third part of the story will be December 15, 2012 ( done )
NOTICE: Fourth part of the story will be January 1, 2013 ( done )
NOTICE: Fifth part of the story will be January 5, 2013 ( done )
NOTICE: Sixth part of the story will be January 10, 2013 ( done )
NOTICE: Seventh part of the story will be January 15, 2013 ( done )
NOTICE: Eighth part of the story will be ??? ??, 2013
NOTICE: Ninth part of the story will be ??? ??, 2013
NOTICE: Tenth part of the story will be ??? ??, 2013

Dabottle
11-28-2012, 11:50 PM
>pokémon
>realistic

lol

Elso579
11-29-2012, 01:10 AM
Hmm I look forward to this but I hope you make it so that It'll be interesting ot read despite the fact that everyone already knows the story.

Pokemon73
11-29-2012, 01:18 AM
don't worry it will be very interesting for all you guys to read

Elso579
11-29-2012, 01:31 AM
Ok I will be sure keep up on this, I actually like to read other peoples take on the game's story line

Pokemon73
11-30-2012, 06:18 PM
good because u will all love this story when it starts tomorrow

Pokemon73
12-01-2012, 05:20 PM
Here is the first part of the story:


My name is Gabriel and here is my pokemon adventure. I woke up suddenly from the greatest dream I had, I was dreaming I was facing the champion in a battle. When I was totally awake my mom said "Do you know what today is?" I suddenly realized that I can get my first pokemon today. I rushed to get dressed while I wondered "Which pokemon am I going to chose?" I came downstairs to eat breakfast...


Next part of the story will be on December 11, 2012

Bricktoad
12-01-2012, 06:09 PM
>pokémon
>realistic

lol

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF4A5F19407B932DC
Its a done deal.

Pokemon73
12-01-2012, 06:12 PM
brick u can not put a useless link here u can only reply 2 the story

Bricktoad
12-01-2012, 06:20 PM
>pokémon
>realistic

lol
Brick:
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF4A5F19407B932DC
Its a done deal.

brick u can not put a useless link here u can only reply 2 the story
alright fine,
its alright, its just getting started, I guess. It kind of needs more to it
5/10

Dabottle
12-01-2012, 06:21 PM
Will Pokémon73 get his Pokémon? What about his breakfast? Will the next chapter have more than three lines?
Find out... in ten days...!

Pokemon73
12-01-2012, 06:25 PM
Will Pokémon73 get his Pokémon? What about his breakfast? Will the next chapter have more than three lines?
Find out... in ten days...!


they r parts LP not chapters

Pokemon73
12-01-2012, 06:29 PM
alright fine,
its alright, its just getting started, I guess. It kind of needs more to it
5/10

what would u add 2 it 2 make it better to u?

Clairvoya
12-01-2012, 06:36 PM
If you are going to update only every ten days, then I suggest making the parts longer. Otherwise the story won't probably get any where. Also describe things. We need to know what things look like. For example, what color is the main character's hair? Needs some work. 4/10

Bricktoad
12-01-2012, 06:36 PM
what would u add 2 it 2 make it better to u?

you know, more. Its your average fangirl with three lines
I woke up
I want a pokemon
Im getting my pokemon
Add some excitement to it!!!!

Pokemon73
12-01-2012, 06:51 PM
ok guys I will try my best 2 make this story better

Elso579
12-02-2012, 02:38 AM
Even if you call these "parts" they are way, way too short, in addition the beginning is extreamly dull. You didn't describe the characters, the scene or anything. A good rule to follow is "show don't tell". What colour hair does Gabriel have? What does his room look like? What is he wearing? You could have made a great intro to the story by actually describing the battle between Gabriel and the Champion and only revealing it was a dream after it. I honestly can't really see you taking ten days to write a chapter of similar length either. The fact that this review is longer than the part I'm reviewing should tell you that you need to make this a LOT longer and with a LOT more description.
1/10

Pokemon73
12-09-2012, 01:50 PM
Here is the second part of the story:

Suddenly I realized "I forgot my hat!", I ran back upstairs and back into my room which my mom was cleaning at the time, grabbed my hat, ran back downstairs and put my hat on over my blonde hair ( never realizing that my blonde hair was sticking out at the sides ) . I got into the kitchen, I was so excited that I forgot all about the dream I had! Then, I thought "Wait I need a pokemon in order to get my starter because there is tall grass near where the professor lives".....

Third part will be December 17, 2012

Clairvoya
12-09-2012, 02:31 PM
Okay, I think I may understand why their so short. You use a 3ds, and I think that makes it look longer. You did add detail (aka describing what the character has, hat, blonde hair) but you still need to make it longer.

newsupermariobros
12-09-2012, 03:25 PM
It will take forever for you to finish your story if your "parts" are so short.Make them longer or progress the story quicker.

X!!
12-09-2012, 05:00 PM
good because u will all love this story when it starts tomorrow

And explain why I am not impressed in the slightest.

Dabottle
12-09-2012, 05:08 PM
Will Pokémon73 ever leave his house? What starter will he pick? Will the next part have more than one paragraph?
Find out next week, in another exciting installment of Pokemon Diamond and Pearl adventure!

Pokemon73
12-09-2012, 05:44 PM
I just like to give details in smaller parts so I will try to make them longer if you guys want to

newsupermariobros
12-09-2012, 06:13 PM
I just like to give details in smaller parts so I will try to make them longer if you guys want toMake it longer,better and actually progress the story.

Pokemon73
12-09-2012, 06:16 PM
Ok I'll try to

Pokemon73
12-15-2012, 06:20 PM
Since this won't be updated for a VERY long time I will make this part the longest one ever.
Here is the 3rd part of the story:

Then my mom came into the kitchen and said "You can borrow my lovely starly I'm sure she won't mind." Then she called out to starly and the she came and landed right on my mom's right arm. "I know how much you loved starly when you were a child and starly remembers to right?" "Starly!" starly replied. I couldn't help but agree with my mom and so with starly flying above my head once I left my house and occasionally starly would land on my red and blue hat with a pokeball on it. "You are always a good pokemon starly." "Starly!" starly replied happily. I was about to get out of my town when I ran into my rival/friend Dawn. "Hey watch where your going punk!" Dawn said in anger. "Oh wait sorry Gabe." "I don't like being called Gabe, I like to be called Gabriel please!" I yelled in frustration. "Sorry dude I didn't mean to upset you" Dawn said. "It's ok man you didn't mean it, just make sure it doesn't happen again got it?" I replied. "Yes sir!" Dawn replied. "Don't be funny dude" I said sarcastically. "Alright man I won't, so where are you going in such a rush?" Dawn asked. "Where else to get my first pokemon!" I replied happily. "Hey I want a pokemon to you know how about we both go on our journeys together?" Dawn asked. "Sure why not it will be fun!" I replied happily. So, Dawn and I both went on our adventure in the Sinnoh region to find pokemon who will join us..........

4th part of story will be January 5, 2013

Bricktoad
12-15-2012, 10:39 PM
Since this won't be updated for a VERY long time I will make this part the longest one ever.
Here is the 3rd part of the story:

Then my mom came into the kitchen and said "You can borrow my lovely starly I'm sure she won't mind." Then she called out to starly and the she came and landed right on my mom's right arm. "I know how much you loved starly when you were a child and starly remembers to right?" "Starly!" starly replied. I couldn't help but agree with my mom and so with starly flying above my head once I left my house and occasionally starly would land on my red and blue hat with a pokeball on it. "You are always a good pokemon starly." "Starly!" starly replied happily. I was about to get out of my town when I ran into my rival/friend Dawn. "Hey watch where your going punk!" Dawn said in anger. "Oh wait sorry Gabe." "I don't like being called Gabe, I like to be called Gabriel please!" I yelled in frustration. "Sorry dude I didn't mean to upset you" Dawn said. "It's ok man you didn't mean it, just make sure it doesn't happen again got it?" I replied. "Yes sir!" Dawn replied. "Don't be funny dude" I said sarcastically. "Alright man I won't, so where are you going in such a rush?" Dawn asked. "Where else to get my first pokemon!" I replied happily. "Hey I want a pokemon to you know how about we both go on our journeys together?" Dawn asked. "Sure why not it will be fun!" I replied happily. So, Dawn and I both went on our adventure in the Sinnoh region to find pokemon who will join us..........

4th part of story will be January 5, 2013

7/10, too much dialogue, put spaces in between each new dialogue.

Pokemon73
12-15-2012, 10:47 PM
was it better than before though?

Bricktoad
12-15-2012, 11:01 PM
was it better than before though?
Yes, I guess, since you managed to leave your house this time.

Clairvoya
12-15-2012, 11:02 PM
It was good, but the main problem is the dialouge. It makes it hard to read unless you press enter every time it switches to another person talking. 5/10

Pokemon73
12-15-2012, 11:25 PM
want me to change it now?

Pokemon73
01-01-2013, 06:13 PM
We walked down route 201 with my friend Dawn
"I'm so excited!" Dawn said happily as she twirled down the route
"Wait for me!" I said as I had to run to catch up to her
"Sorrrrryyyyy" she said while she still ran to Sangem town
We then arrived at Sangem town and thence could see professor Rowan lab. "Time to get my first Pokemon!" I said excitedly

Fifth part of the story will be January 5, 2013

Pokemon73
01-05-2013, 08:25 PM
We arrived at Sangem town and we both saw the professor's lab right away "Wonder which pokemon I'll choose" I said to myself
"I'm so excited!" Dawn said out loud
"Are you really that excited?" I asked Dawn
"Of Course! I get to have a pokemon!" Dawn replied
"Starly!" starly replied happily
"Wonder if my mom would mind having starly to myself" I thought to myself..........


EXTRA: You guys get to choose the starter pokemon for both Dawn and I. The votes will be announced with the seventh part of the story


Sixth part of story will be January 15, 2013

Ayra
01-05-2013, 08:34 PM
rating time!

this is in dialogue format. and it is pretty bad dialogue. 2/10

Pokemon73
01-05-2013, 08:40 PM
rating time!

this is in dialogue format. and it is pretty bad dialogue. 2/10

Can you please explain how it is bad? Also please vote for the starter Pokemon for part 7

Ayra
01-05-2013, 09:29 PM
it was boring. and poorly structured.
fine, i voat turty

Pokemon73
01-05-2013, 10:07 PM
it was boring. and poorly structured.
fine, i voat turty

I gave it a little bit of suspense and please you have to vote for 2 people and that vote isn't specific on which person you voted for

Cutiepuffle
01-06-2013, 12:18 AM
Have a Rattata pop out of nowhere and make it Dawn's starter.

Clairvoya
01-06-2013, 12:19 AM
This is a fan fiction, not Roll to Adventure.

Oh and Piplup for Dawn because I'm SOOOOO original. Chimchar for Gaben.

Cutiepuffle
01-06-2013, 12:22 AM
Bill Gates should be Gabe's starter.


Oh and TS, I think he's doing this as a one time special thing.

Pokemon73
01-06-2013, 12:26 AM
Bill Gates should be Gabe's starter.


Oh and TS, I think he's doing this as a one time special thing.

No I might do more in the future

Elso579
01-10-2013, 02:33 AM
Look I'm sorry but you have given absolutely no regard to any of the help that we have all tried to give you so I will be very blunt once again. Your chapters are way too short and no it does not add suspense and it does not add more detail, in fact it takes away from both. When their is dialog I find it near impossible to follow it. You have not described the look of any of you characters, you can NOT assume that that we all no what Dawn looks like, even though most of us do it doesn't matter. You also don't describe the setting very well, now yes I'll admit I'm quite guilty of this my self but for all I know your story takes place in the abyss. The story it self is very unoriginal and I've seen it 100's of times. Also you shouldn't scheduled your updates especially since I'm sure every chapter has only taken like 10 min. to write. I'm sorry that I have to be so blunt and this will be my last review of this fan fic as I don't think you;ll take my advice.

Pokemon73
01-10-2013, 12:28 PM
I know this isn't the sixth part of the story but here is an update; I won't be updating the story and since I do have an iPad I can just type up the story and post it here so I will in the next few days so part six is on hold thank you for your time if you read this

X!!
01-10-2013, 04:06 PM
Dude, just ****ing take Elso's advice already. Criticisms are made so that the writer can improve, not be ignored and treated as an offense. Seriously, all you need to do to make a good fanfic is TAKE ELSO'S ADVICE and ACTUALLY APPLY THEM PROPERLY!

You should also read this guide: http://superskarmory.net/forum/showthread.php?2192-The-beginners-guide-to-making-a-good-story

Pokemon73
01-10-2013, 06:25 PM
Dude, just ****ing take Elso's advice already. Criticisms are made so that the writer can improve, not be ignored and treated as an offense. Seriously, all you need to do to make a good fanfic is TAKE ELSO'S ADVICE and ACTUALLY APPLY THEM PROPERLY!

You should also read this guide: http://superskarmory.net/forum/showthread.php?2192-The-beginners-guide-to-making-a-good-story

This is why I have put this on hold for a while until I get a nice long part that will satisfy all of you

Pokemon73
01-10-2013, 08:28 PM
I hope this part is much better from the rest

I said to Dawn "I'll be in the lab in a while I want to call my mom first in the Pokemon center and starly your coming to!"
"Okay" Dawn replied to me. She then ran into the lab while starly followed me.
I entered the Pokemon center and I was surprised on how big it was. There were books and a lot of technical equipment. Then I saw Nurse Joy up in front standing in front of a big machine that looked like it could heal Pokemon's health in a flash.
"Hello young man" Nurse Joy said to me "What's your name?"
"Gabriel" I said "and this is starly"
"Starly!" Starly said happily
"That's nice! May I help you with anything?" Nurse Joy asked
"Do you have any phones I can use?" I replied
"Of course, go down the hall and the first room on your left will be the telephone room" Nurse Joy replied
"Thank you! Come on starly!" I said back to Nurse Joy
"Starly!" Starly said following me
I walked down the hall and the hallway was very long and big, with many rooms that probably had multiple pieces of equipment in them. Then, I entered the first room on the left and sat down in front of a very strange phone.
"You just call the address of your choice and the call will be made" Nurse Joy said surprising me
"Oh you surprised me! But thank you anyway" I said
I then called my mom and I was surprised on how easy it was to use the telephone here. Then, the phone was picked up by my mom and I said "Hi mom!"
"Hi sweetie!" My mom replied back "How's starly?"
"Starly!" Starly said happily I said before I could even say a word
"I think that answers your question mom" I said laughing "Anyway the reason I called you was about starly"
"Really? Why?" My mom said questioning me
"I was wondering if starly could stay with me during my adventure, don't worry though I will be getting my starter Pokemon as well" I asked mom
"Of course you can!" My mom replied happily "I can't even separate you for two seconds even when you were little!"
"Thanks mom you're the best!" I said happily
"Starly!" Starly said happily as well
"Your welcome sweetie! Hope you have a fun time with starly, Dawn, and all the other Pokemon you see!" My mom said
"I will mom see you soon!" I said to my mom as I hung up the phone "Come on starly, lets go see what Pokemon I will get!
"Starly!" Starly replied happily as we left the Pokemon center thanking Nurse Joy for her service..........

Seventh part of the story will be on January 15, 2013

REMINDER: YOU STILL CAN VOTE FOR BOTH GABRIEL'S AND DAWNS STARTER POKEMON

we have had some votes from the past and the winners will be revealed in the 7th part of the story and you still have time to vote so vote now!

We have for Gabriel: chimchar - 1 piplup - 0 turtwig - 0
We have for Dawn: chimchar - 0 piplup - 1 turtwig - 0

BreeZaps
01-10-2013, 11:38 PM
This part isn't bad at all 7/10
It was a bit good to read really. (am I really saying this)

Elso579
01-11-2013, 12:43 AM
This is a huge improvement over what you have been doing, I would still skip a line for dialog but other than that good 6/10 for this chapter

X!!
01-11-2013, 07:40 AM
You have definitely improved quite a bit. Now, if only you would actually make some progress...

Elso579
01-11-2013, 11:30 PM
He is right just make sure you don't progress too quickly for the sack of too much detail. You can write a 200 page novel and have the story go absolutely nowhere.

Pokemon73
01-15-2013, 06:28 PM
Since you guys liked the last part here is another part I hope you guys will like!

I walked down the road that was short because the labatory was right next door to the Pokemon Center. I entered the lab and saw Dawn talking to Proffesor Rowan about the world of Sinnoh.
"I'm back!" I called out to Dawn not noticing the the professor was talking
"Finished calling your mom?" Dawn asked me
"Yup and guess what! Starly is staying with us during our adventure!" I said to Dawn excitiedly
"Starly!" Starly said whiling flying around the big lab
"Starly stole my excitement!" Dawn said
"Ahem" professor Rowan said
"Sorry professor Rowan" Dawn and I said together
"It's ok you two, your just too excited to get your starter Pokemon aren't you?" Professor Rowan said
"Yup and I know what I'm picking" Dawn and I said together again
"You do know what a big responsibility this is right? Going on an adventure in this big world with these Pokemon." Professor Rowan said to us.
"Of course we do" I said speaking for Dawn "I've known ever since starly was with me when I was little from my mom"
"Good" Professor Rowan said "I will now show you three Pokemon, each of you will only choose one to take with you on your journey. First the grass type, turtwig. Second the fire type, chimchar. Finally the water type, piplup. Gabriel would you like to choose first?"
"Yes I would thank you and I choose chimchar!" I said reaching my hand to chimchar while saying "Hi there, I'm going to be with you and we are going to be good friends I know it!"
"Chimchar!" Chimchar said happily
"And I'll take piplup" Dawn said and when piplup heard it's name it ran over to Dawn
"Good now that you both have your pokemon, I want you to have these pokedexs." Professor Rowan said as he gave both of us pokedexs.
"Thank you Professor Rowan" Dawn and I said together again.
As we left the lab Dawn looked back and saw turtwig all alone with Professor Rowan. So she asked "Professor Rowan may I take turtwig with us so it can be with its friends?"
"That would be a great idea Dawn. After all a family is a family and they always stick together" Professor Rowan said to Dawn
"Thank you Professor Rowan!" Dawn said "Come on turtwig, you're coming with us!"
"Turtwig!" Turtwig said as he ran over to Dawn
We left the lab and we both knew we would have a big adventure ahead of us..........

Eighth part of story will be hopefully on January 30, 2013

X!!
01-15-2013, 07:51 PM
The last chapter was better than this one. It should be longer than just a short and simple conversation. And ACTUALLY MAKE PROGRESS IN THE STORY! Kthxbai.

Pokemon73
01-20-2013, 06:37 PM
Yea I know its a day I should be updating but here is some news: that part that was 5 days ago failed to save everything and now I have retype about 1,000 characters back so until I fix it all parts will be on hold until later

Pokemon73
01-27-2013, 05:15 PM
( sorry for double posting )

Ok guys 7th part is finally finished so enjoy!

Cutiepuffle
01-27-2013, 06:27 PM
( sorry for double posting )

Ok guys 7th part is finally finished so enjoy!

Poke, just copy the message from your earlier post, delete the message, paste and then tack on your new message.

Pokemon73
01-27-2013, 06:28 PM
Poke, just copy the message from your earlier post, delete the message, paste and then tack on your new message.

They would never know since it was a week ago from that post

CChariz
01-28-2013, 11:37 PM
scratch that.I didn't fully read this.Sooooo.....I'll just say..... 4/10 for the whole thing.It wasn't exiting at all.....

Pokemon73
01-28-2013, 11:44 PM
Sorry but the beginning parts were shorter but these parts are longer then before and I believe these are longer then in the past

CChariz
01-28-2013, 11:57 PM
yes it is.But,they weren't that intresting.

Pokemon73
01-29-2013, 12:00 AM
I will make them more intresting then!

Bricktoad
01-29-2013, 11:08 PM
I love how you have been at this for a month and have not even got farther than 10 minutes worth in Platinum.

X!!
01-31-2013, 11:12 AM
I love how you have been at this for a month and have not even got farther than 10 minutes worth in Platinum.

And the bad part is, 4th gen is really, really slow.

Pokemon73
01-31-2013, 12:36 PM
And the bad part is, 4th gen is really, really slow.

So it make sense the my parts make a little progression each time

X!!
01-31-2013, 01:07 PM
So it make sense the my parts make a little progression each time

No, I was supporting Brick's statement. 1 month of your writing is less than 10 minutes worth of the actual game. But the actual game is really slow. So basically, I'm saying that you shouldn't make one conversation per chapter, while posting a chapter per week.

BreeZaps
01-31-2013, 02:55 PM
I'm sorry but your story sucks. You need to make your parts longer. I don't understand the story. K, Bye.

Pokemon73
01-31-2013, 06:56 PM
Ok, ok i get the point, more desriptive entries and less things that will make it confusing

Bricktoad
01-31-2013, 11:07 PM
I'm sorry but your story sucks. You need to make your parts longer. I don't understand the story. K, Bye.
Bree, chill, that was a bit harsh,
but I'm not saying that you are wrong.

Pokemon73
02-15-2013, 03:49 PM
Ok um wow didn't know I had a lot of work to do these past couple of days, sorry. PARTS ARE POSTPONED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

Krauersaut
02-15-2013, 05:11 PM
No offense, Poke... pacing is really bad, storyline needs improvement, lots of little errors... 5.5/10...

Pokemon73
02-15-2013, 05:17 PM
No offense, Poke... pacing is really bad, storyline needs improvement, lots of little errors... 5.5/10...

You're not the first person who said that LuX and I know I will improve I promise

Nickis200
02-21-2013, 05:19 AM
i love it 10/10 you guys are crazy lets see you guys do it.
good job pokemon73 i love it

Nickis200
02-21-2013, 05:20 AM
i love it 10/10 you guys are crazy lets see you guys do it.
good job pokemon73 i love it

X!!
02-21-2013, 02:04 PM
You're not the first person who said that LuX and I know I will improve I promise

Dude, the first person who actually gave you good advice was Elso. LuX isn't the first person to give you advice. In fact, everyone else said the same thing.


i love it 10/10 you guys are crazy lets see you guys do it.
good job pokemon73 i love it

I know at least ten people on this forum who can do a lot better than Pokemon73: Davismt, ShadowMr.L, Sir Muffin of Saucer, Shiningbolt, ssshaymin, EpicCh33se, Nova, GreatGabite, Elso, and CaptainRed. Seriously, you're probably sugar coating this fanfiction, or you just can't tell the difference between good and bad literature...

Pokemon73
02-21-2013, 02:59 PM
i love it 10/10 you guys are crazy lets see you guys do it.
good job pokemon73 i love it

dude,X is right I'm not the best writer here so I know I can improve in the future

Pokemon73
03-14-2013, 05:45 PM
I'm locking this until I get everything under control with this