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newsupermariobros
01-03-2013, 12:58 AM
This is my first fanfic so don't be too harsh please but feedback would be nice.

"Hello!" I heard a freaky voice.Then Professor Juniper said "hello Cameron!" "Oh it's you" I said relieved that it wasn't a zombie or something."Welcome to the world of pokemon!" Juniper said.Oh the speech I hear whenever Juniper gives a starter to a trainer I thought.Might as well sleep through this.Cameron suddenly fell asleep."Pokemon live in many diffrent places and areas".Some pokemon live in the wild and some live with trainers battling and connecting with trainers".So are you a boy or are you a girl? "I woke up saying isn't it obvious"? I'm guessing a girl Juniper said to Cameron. Cameron facepalmed."I'M A BOY YOU IDIOT!" Cameron yelled.Juniper looked scared."I mean I'm a boy not a girl" Cameron proclaimed."Okay said Juniper" "This is your friend/rival" Juniper continuing to speak."What shall you name him"?"I name him"? I looked confused."Yeah since his mom is too lazy to" Juniper said."Okay then Hugh is fine"Lets go visit the world of pokemon"! Juniper then said.Cameron suddenly shrinked and appeared in his living room.Him mom was outside of the house on her Xtranceiver with Professor Juniper."Oh hi"! said his mom."It's been far too long"! "What can I do for you"? "Cameron can have a pokedex now"! said Juniper."Wow" "A pokedex for my child"? Mom was excited."Why that's awesome"! "He would love a journey"!"She's already here"? mom said."Okay Bianca right"?"Oh a green hat girl"."Fine with me"! Mom hangs up the Xtranceiver.She enters the house excited to share the news."Oh Cameron"! she says to Cameron."What"? I say."I'm home"mom said."Why do I have no door to my room"? I said."I have no privacy"!"Whatever" mom says."Juniper called and she's a old friend of mine" "So do you want a pokemon"?"Yes I said"! "I was hoping that you would ask that for years"! I say very happy."Ever since that trainer saved unova I've wanted one"."Great and you want a pokedex too"says mom guessing."Yes"! I say once more."A girl called Bianca wants to see you"says mom."She is Juniper's assistant".His mom also makes sure tat Cameron has everything he needs to go on a journey."I'm ready mom"! I say ready to go."Bye now' mom says.I then leave the house.

Please rate and give feedback.My chapters probably won't be this long normally.

Ayra
01-03-2013, 08:13 AM
some grammatical errors. not different from the game as of now, so nothing major in terms of plot. 4/10

newsupermariobros
01-03-2013, 01:08 PM
some grammatical errors. not different from the game as of now, so nothing major in terms of plot. 4/10
I'm just starting it off right now.I'm also doing gym leader battles,some trainer battles and catching pokemon.Villains will come in eventually.

Rubick
01-03-2013, 10:06 PM
Paragraphing would be nice. Right now it's just a small wall of text.

Elso579
01-05-2013, 06:03 AM
i'll be breif since im typing this on a 3ds but 1st your chapters really should be longer than than that.
second i think its kindof corny the way you did the world of pokemon speach but thats just me
third i like your characterization so far although i'll assume your going deepen his character as the story goes on.
also i hope you will difer from the games look at the poke spe manga thats how different your story should be thats all for now this has potential if taken in the right direction

X!!
01-05-2013, 06:11 AM
What everyone said is true, but I would also like to point out that YOU SHOULD USE SPACEBARS AFTER ANY PUNCTUATION MARK! Seriously, it looks so unorganized and ugh...

newsupermariobros
01-05-2013, 01:21 PM
I'm also basing the story off of the game so it's probably going similar to it.I'll just lock it if nobody think it's good.I'll try one more chapter to see.