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Drakkon
05-03-2011, 10:54 PM
This is a PMD fanfic I wrote based on alot of stuff... Feel free to ask questions!


Chapter I: Rise of Heroes

A blast of intense flames erupted from the strange altar, which surprised the young Riolu as he swiftly stepped to the side to evade the oncoming conflagration.

“I can’t keep doing this!” he said to himself, “I need someone to help me in this quest… Better go back to Blackroot Town to find an alliance…”

His mind made up, the Riolu straightened his golden scarf and made his way out of the cavern entrance as soon as the fire trap ceased its blaze, determined that upon his return, he would find the legendary treasure trove that was rumored to dwell below in the cavern depths…
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The Riolu smiled as he looked at the vibrant sky, glistening a bright orange with the sunset. However, his eyes were drawn by a strange sight ahead. A perfect clone of him stood before him, staring at him with piercing hostility until the Riolu shouted in a serious tone, “Who are you?! And what trickery is
this?”

The clone smiled and responded as smoke surrounded it, revealing itself to be a female Zorua with vibrant blue fur that shined in the last bits of sunlight as she said, her gaze never wavering as she snickered, “My name is Emi… What is yours?”

The Riolu blushed and said awkwardly, “Um… I am Ryo Katsurou, aspiring adventurer…”

Emi smiled and responded with a joyous tone, “Well nice to meet you, Ryo! Say, are you going to Divinity Hall?”

Ryo said in surprise, “Um… Yeah… How did you…”

Emi interrupted in a hyper tone, “Oh, cool! Do you have an adventuring party?”

Ryo answered in a normal tone, “No…”

Emi then squealed in joy and responded, “Can I join you then?! I always wanted to travel the world to find my destiny… Grandpa Blacksoul always made the world seem so mysterious and wonderous from his many stories…”

Ryo’s jaw dropped when he heard this and he responded in surprise, “You are the grand-daughter of the legendary Blacksoul?!”

Emi nodded joyously and replied with an energetic tone, “Yes… In fact, he encouraged me to go to the beach today to find my destiny, and I saw you coming down the path… Now here we are…”

Ryo thought to himself, She is the descendant of a legend, yet I feel something that I have never felt before this day… She gives me the strength to reach my goal, no matter how much wounds I suffer… She also wishes to adventure, so why not?!

Having made a decision, Ryo smiled back at Emi and said joyously, “Ok! Now we just have to think of a good adventuring team name…”

Emi then responded swiftly, “The Crimson Raiders!”

Ryo nodded in interest and replied, “Yes! From henceforth, we will be known as the Crimson Raiders!”
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Eventually, Ryo and Emi made their way to Divinity Hall, where a Nidoking in custom plate armor greeted them gruffly and allowed them in once they told him their purpose.

As they entered, the current guildmaster, an Infernape in a thick fiery-orange cape, said with joy, “Welcome, comrades, to Divinity Hall… You came to register yourselves as an adventuring unit?”

Ryo nodded and replied with joy, “We are the Crimson Raiders, reporting for duty!”

The Infernape laughed and replied with slight joy, “Well, then welcome you are! My name is Haru, and I am one of the three disciples of the legendary warrior Blacksoul. I run the guildhall within these halls, where we send many adventurers into some of the most…vibrant and…interesting of places.”

Ryo then glared at Haru and said sharply, “Do not forget TREACHEROUS!”

Haru then sighed, his attempt at optimism found out, and replied, “Yes… Some even come out heavily wounded, insane, or even don’t return at all…”

Emi gulped and was rendered speechless by Haru’s revelation of the truth of adventuring until she coughed out, “Don’t…return…at…all?! How?”

Ryo whispered to Emi in sympathy, “Do not worry… I will never let anything happen to you…”

Haru smiled at their show of great friendship and said in a serious voice, “Ok then… I have a job that will fit you two… Take this map and follow it to the Ebon Depths… Rumors tell of a flame that can steal one’s soul in the deepest cavern… I want you to investigate… Once you return, I will give you the rest of your gear…”

Ryo nodded in understanding and said to Emi, “Come on! Let us move forward!”

Emi snapped out of her confused state and nodded as she replied, “Yeah… Let’s find this flame and extinguish it for its crimes…”

With that decided, Ryo and Emi left the halls in pursuit of their quest…
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Ryo and Emi walked into the dungeon, joyous that they had their first mission. However, as they got further, a wild Larvitar and a Roggenrola leaped forth in opposition against them.

Ryo snarled and said to Emi, “Ready yourself! Our first test comes here!”

Emi nodded and roared as she unleashed a powerful Dark Pulse, “Go away, you cruel rocks!”

The blast of darkness nailed the Roggenrola and knocked it a few feet in the other direction until it hit a nearby wall, fainting from the impact.

Ryo smiled as he unleashed a Sky Uppercut upon the Larvitar, “Take this, savage creature! That will teach you for interfering with our quest!”

With both of their foes defeated, Ryo and Emi continued onwards through the depths in their search for the soul-stealing flame, their faith not wavering despite the foreboding evil that lurks around the corner, stalking their every move…
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At last, the two young adventurers reached the depths, and although they were weary, they were still pumped with adrenaline and continued onwards with joy.

Suddenly, a small lamp-like creature hovered towards them and said in an innocent tone, “Have you come to keep me company?”

Ryo responded as he raised his eyebrow, “Sure… But, who are you?”

The lamp responded with a grin, “My name is Eternum, and I am a Lampent… I have been lonely down here, without a friend or a jester… Won’t you stay with me forevermore, or maybe just for dinner?”

Ryo responded and replied, “I…guess…”

However, Emi roared in zeal as she remembered an old story from her grandfather, “Do not trust it! It is a deceiving little thing that only wants your soul deep-fried in your last thoughts of despair!”

Eternum frowned and said calmly, “Aw! How did you know?!”

Emi smiled and replied with a sinister smile, “My grandpa is friends with an Chandelure…”

Eternum snarled as his normally yellowish eyes turned crimson and his purple glower blazed more than normal, “Well then… I can’t just let you leave here, you know…”

Ryo chuckled as he said smugly, “We wouldn’t leave anyways… Have at you, Eternum!”
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Eternum snarled in fury as he launched a Will-o-wisp attack at Ryo, “Burn with me tonight…”

Ryo dodges the cursed flames and said to Emi, “I have nothing to harm it! Can you take it out?”

Emi nodded and unleashed a Dark Pulse that enveloped Eternum, causing it to scream in agony from the sharp shadows piercing its spectral form.

Once the shadows were no longer attacking his form, Eternum snarled in annoyance, “Ok! I give… You two have interesting teamwork… I regret trying to cause you the pain I forced upon others… I just can’t help it… From wicked pyres my race was born and in wicked pyres our foes’ souls roast for our victory feasts… Eventually, we became addicts to freshly scorched souls… Our fiery urges are vampiric at best, and an arson addiction at worst… Please, let me join you on your quest so I can use my flame for good rather than for sinister murder…”

Ryo looked at Eternum’s ravaged form and replied with a slight smile, “Sure… You can be useful to us… We will also vouch that you were doing it in self-defense… That way, you will be non-guilty…”

Emi then said with joy as he hopped around, “Yay! Another friend!”

Eternum then said gruffly as he forced a smile, “Let us get out of here… I will explain it all once we are safe in civilization…”

With that, the Crimson Raiders left the depths with a recruit to their party accompanying them. Their future could never be brighter as they took that journey back to Blackroot Town en route to Divinity Hall…

However, unknown to them, they would soon have some problems… Some big problems…

Jade
05-05-2011, 02:31 AM
Better, but it isn't great. Get rid of the spoiler tags, personally I find them annoying. (Putting a chapter in quotes annoys me as well.)

The pacing of the whole entire chapter was fast. It needed to slow down. A lot of explanation could have been added like:


Ryo thought to himself, She is the descendant of a legend, yet I feel something that I have never felt before this day… She gives me the strength to reach my goal, no matter how much wounds I suffer… She also wishes to adventure, so why not?!

Here. You didn't need the whole thought, it brought down the writing in my opinion. Explain why they were so "legendary" in the context, not in some thought dialogue. Something like this would have been preferred:


Blacksoul was a legendary adventurer.One of the best in the world. Many said he had talent that came once every million years. His species was known for their Illusionary abilities, but his were above all the rest of his clan. To say he had a granddaughter was surprising, he was a cold adventurer and he barely confided himself with others, there were however exceptions.

To have his granddaughter want to travel with him? It was an honor for any adventurer even for those who wanted or were starting out. It was an opportunity that Ryo couldn't possibly pass up.

You get the point right? The pacing is just a bit too fast here, especially from when Ryo meets Emi and beyond.

There was a large lack of detail. Mostly this was done by the pacing, but with the pacing aside there was still a lack of detail. In the beginning, there could have been descriptions about the flames. How they felt, the heat, how big and how much it was burning, ect. I expected more from the first mission. There should be some development in the characters or even a more of a look at each Pokemon's personality.


Eternum snarled in fury as he launched a Will-o-wisp attack at Ryo, “Burn with me tonight…”

Ryo dodges the cursed flames and said to Emi, “I have nothing to harm it! Can you take it out?”

Emi nodded and unleashed a Dark Pulse that enveloped Eternum, causing it to scream in agony from the sharp shadows piercing its spectral form.

Once the shadows were no longer attacking his form, Eternum snarled in annoyance, “Ok! I give… You two have interesting teamwork… I regret trying to cause you the pain I forced upon others… I just can’t help it… From wicked pyres my race was born and in wicked pyres our foes’ souls roast for our victory feasts… Eventually, we became addicts to freshly scorched souls… Our fiery urges are vampiric at best, and an arson addiction at worst… Please, let me join you on your quest so I can use my flame for good rather than for sinister murder…”

Ryo looked at Eternum’s ravaged form and replied with a slight smile, “Sure… You can be useful to us… We will also vouch that you were doing it in self-defense… That way, you will be non-guilty…”

Emi then said with joy as he hopped around, “Yay! Another friend!”

Eternum then said gruffly as he forced a smile, “Let us get out of here… I will explain it all once we are safe in civilization…”

With that, the Crimson Raiders left the depths with a recruit to their party accompanying them. Their future could never be brighter as they took that journey back to Blackroot Town en route to Divinity Hall…

However, unknown to them, they would soon have some problems… Some big problems…


The battle was bland. No descriptions on the attacks and what there effects were. How they were used. Game mechanics are not going to work in fan fiction or any type of media that isn't a game. Remember that, don't expect readers to be able to picture the battle with just attack names.

However, you improved on your formatting. You spaced things out which make things a lot cleaner and easier to read. I give you props for this.

~Jade

Drakkon
05-05-2011, 02:39 AM
Thank you for the critique!

I do admit I could have done better, but then again, this is my first try at a Mystery Dungeon fanfic... I see now how I can improve it... I will try to do so soon, but like most of my other fanfics, not my top priority...

I apologize that I could only submit my weakest form of work, but I will promise that I will try to revise it as much as I can to improve its quality...

~Drakkon