This is a very interesting story. Let's see how redundant it gets!
Pretty much just the title. Anyways, I'm rather bad at fanfics and would like some constructive criticism (and maybe some help with character design, feel free to make your own character).
oh, and the entire thing is in french, a language I don't understand
Chapitre 1
Spoiler!
Thic actually feels a bit short, and I probably should have said something more, but I'm a cat of few words, so that's difficult.
This is a very interesting story. Let's see how redundant it gets!
It takes a Teen Age Riot to get me out of bed right now.
Before I begin, I'd like to say that I'm glad you know to put a/an's where they belong for a person who's native language isn't English. I appreciate it a lot, even if it doesn't seem like I am, because I've read a lot of fanfiction and of course I've come across writers like you and a good number of them don't put a/an's in sentences like "you're idiot".
Might seem a bit nitpicky of me, but it sounds like you're telling instead of showing. Actually no, it's sounds more like a summary. More so because this is the introduction of your story. Do you want your reader to get hooked on the story or do you want to bore them to death? "Were gathering" is actually grammatically incorrect because you're combining a word that's past tense with a present participle.
What part of the story does this come in? Past? Future?
Not sure if that's the only verb tense problem you have, but it's just one that I've noticed.
Final notes:
- Separate your paragraphs, you can use any assortment of double hyphens to separate different settings/PoVs.
- Try to show more of your surroundings rather than tell them. I'm getting the impression you wanted to create a sense of urgency for the second part.
- If you want to add more words, try adding in the main character's thoughts to make them a more rounded character.
- You might have noticed that I probably didn't do much in the way of grammar, but that's because I suck at recognizing grammar mistakes, especially passive/active voice. You might wanna ask someone else for that.
I don't really see anything wrong with the tenses you're talking about, but I guess I can improve the introduction. I'll do it later.
I don't speak french, and using Google Translate would be too tedious and grammatically incorrect.
Ew, pride. You might wanna search it up, then. Not for the reasons that I think you're thinking of, but purely out of the fact that if I explained it, it would take too many unnecessary words.