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Thread: Oh no, not another PMD fanfic.

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    Oh no, not another PMD fanfic.

    Pretty much just the title. Anyways, I'm rather bad at fanfics and would like some constructive criticism (and maybe some help with character design, feel free to make your own character).


    oh, and the entire thing is in french, a language I don't understand

    Chapitre 1
    Spoiler!


    Thic actually feels a bit short, and I probably should have said something more, but I'm a cat of few words, so that's difficult.

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    This is a very interesting story. Let's see how redundant it gets!
    It takes a Teen Age Riot to get me out of bed right now.

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    Before I begin, I'd like to say that I'm glad you know to put a/an's where they belong for a person who's native language isn't English. I appreciate it a lot, even if it doesn't seem like I am, because I've read a lot of fanfiction and of course I've come across writers like you and a good number of them don't put a/an's in sentences like "you're idiot".

    Quote Originally Posted by DratiniOmega View Post
    Dark clouds were gathering around Sky Tower, the dungeon had been abandoned for decades. Now, something evil was taking its place in there, keeping out even Rayquaza. One Pokemon managed to break through the barrier, but was gravely wounded and sealed outside time and space until peace would return (although that wasn't anything new for Giratina). Arceus was hit by a stray lightning coming from the top and lost all control, going on a rampage and attacking everything, including a young Fennekin named Dianne. Arceus was eventually subdued by Xerneas and Yveltal, who managed to calm its wrath and seal it in Zero Island, where it is guarded by Celebi, but one of the attacks used by Arceus changed Dianne... for better or worse is unknown, but it was an attack never seen before except for the beginning of the world.
    Might seem a bit nitpicky of me, but it sounds like you're telling instead of showing. Actually no, it's sounds more like a summary. More so because this is the introduction of your story. Do you want your reader to get hooked on the story or do you want to bore them to death? "Were gathering" is actually grammatically incorrect because you're combining a word that's past tense with a present participle.

    Quote Originally Posted by DratiniOmega View Post
    "Hey! Are you OK?"
    Dianne barely heard the voice in her unconscious state, but she could tell that the owner was worried.
    What part of the story does this come in? Past? Future?

    Quote Originally Posted by DratiniOmega View Post
    Dianne regained some feeling, and felt pain in her entire body, and something oozing oozed from her shoulder. Now she could hear more voices.
    Not sure if that's the only verb tense problem you have, but it's just one that I've noticed.

    Final notes:

    • Separate your paragraphs, you can use any assortment of double hyphens to separate different settings/PoVs.
    • Try to show more of your surroundings rather than tell them. I'm getting the impression you wanted to create a sense of urgency for the second part.
    • If you want to add more words, try adding in the main character's thoughts to make them a more rounded character.
    • You might have noticed that I probably didn't do much in the way of grammar, but that's because I suck at recognizing grammar mistakes, especially passive/active voice. You might wanna ask someone else for that.


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    I don't really see anything wrong with the tenses you're talking about, but I guess I can improve the introduction. I'll do it later.

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    Quote Originally Posted by dratiniomega View Post
    i don't really see anything wrong with the tenses you're talking about, but i guess i can improve the introduction. I'll do it later.
    no! Do it now!
    Also, Why isn't it in french?


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    I don't speak french, and using Google Translate would be too tedious and grammatically incorrect.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DratiniOmega View Post
    I don't really see anything wrong with the tenses you're talking about, but I guess I can improve the introduction. I'll do it later.
    Your story is in past tense. The mistake I pointed out was in present tense.


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    Quote Originally Posted by ssshaymin View Post
    Your story is in past tense. The mistake I pointed out was in present tense.
    Point it out again please, so I can laugh at you if it's what I think it is.

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    Ew, pride. You might wanna search it up, then. Not for the reasons that I think you're thinking of, but purely out of the fact that if I explained it, it would take too many unnecessary words.


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    Quote Originally Posted by ssshaymin View Post
    Before I begin, I'd like to say that I'm glad you know to put a/an's where they belong for a person who's native language isn't English. I appreciate it a lot, even if it doesn't seem like I am, because I've read a lot of fanfiction and of course I've come across writers like you and a good number of them don't put a/an's in sentences like "you're idiot".



    Might seem a bit nitpicky of me, but it sounds like you're telling instead of showing. Actually no, it's sounds more like a summary. More so because this is the introduction of your story. Do you want your reader to get hooked on the story or do you want to bore them to death? "Were gathering" is actually grammatically incorrect because you're combining a word that's past tense with a present participle.



    What part of the story does this come in? Past? Future?



    Not sure if that's the only verb tense problem you have, but it's just one that I've noticed.

    Final notes:

    • Separate your paragraphs, you can use any assortment of double hyphens to separate different settings/PoVs.
    • Try to show more of your surroundings rather than tell them. I'm getting the impression you wanted to create a sense of urgency for the second part.
    • If you want to add more words, try adding in the main character's thoughts to make them a more rounded character.
    • You might have noticed that I probably didn't do much in the way of grammar, but that's because I suck at recognizing grammar mistakes, especially passive/active voice. You might wanna ask someone else for that.
    Look how many things you pointed out, I have no idea what you mean.

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