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Thread: Pokemon B2/W2: Out of Time!

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    Pokemon B2/W2: Out of Time!

    Prologue
    Background Music- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=g7dZ9J9kZtw
    It’s been about three months since Nate, our hero from Black 2 and White 2, defeated Iris and became the champion. He’s traveled all over the region, making new friends and overcoming new obstacles. But one thing that always bugged him was that he almost died beating that sociopathic maniac Ghetsis. He would always re-visit friends, go to the PWT, train in routes, or just chill at home. One day, while just hanging out at his home, he got a call from Aurea Juniper.
    Chapter One: A boy and his Celebi
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=F2-q_w55-EY
    “Hello Nate, it’s short notice, but I want you and Hugh to come see me in Black City. It’s very important! See you soon,” said Juniper.

    “Ok but wha---,” the phone hung up. “Wonder what’s this is all about. Guess I’ll catch a ride on Hugh’s Unfeazant. See you mom!” “See ya honey!” she said.

    “You know, you could try and catch your own flying Pokemon,” Hugh said in annoyance.
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=tQ0O1GsZch8
    “Hey Juniper, Cheren, Bianca,” I said. Hugh said “Enough with the formalities. Why are we here, professor? ”

    “So, I’ll be brief. After talking with Cynthia about the powers of Dialga, I learned that shortly after the creation of the Sinnoh region, Dialga made holes in time in certain areas, so they could be accessible to any Pokemon that was born with the ability to go through time. Celebi would gain access to these holes, known as “access points.”


    “So I’m guessing that’s why we’re currently standing behind Black Tower,” Cheren said in his normal sarcastic tone.”

    “Yes Cheren. After asking Colress for some help, I was able to create a machine that is capable of seeing these access points. Now, me and other professors can work on the unveiling the secret of time travel."
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=sz8TmUm8DZc
    A wild Celebi appeared!
    Next Time! The Death of a Champion
    Last edited by herothezero; 08-11-2013 at 02:25 PM.
    Spoiler!

  2. #2
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    Chapters are too short. Too straight forward. The plot seems interesting, though. 4/10

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    Quote Originally Posted by XKoreanLP View Post
    Chapters are too short. Too straight forward. The plot seems interesting, though. 4/10
    To tell truth, most chapters are going to be very straight forward and repetitive, and probably short as well. They'll just be some points with humor and distractions to keep the story from being "We go from Point A to Point B. Oh no! We messed up!" You'll see what I mean by that in a couple chapters.
    Spoiler!

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    Hmm, let's see...

    Yeah, I know the chapter is short, but that's sort of understandable as it's the first chapter. There are a few books like that. I would also like to note that because forums don't have indents for stories, please put spaces in between paragraphs (i.e, I can't tell when a new paragraph starts and ends). I know a few authors on fanfiction.net and deviantART that hate it when there is no separation between paragraphs; it makes it look blocky.

    That's just my two cents on the chapter. I'm not much of a person that gives really good constructive criticism for the writing itself because I'm not a person that can see flaws so easily.


    #SHIROBAKO FOR SECOND SEASON | MyAnimeList | Deviantart | Twitch | Siggy Shop

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    Last Time in Out of Time!

    Chapter Two: Death of a Champion!

    Our hero Nate came after being requested by Juniper to see something “amazing.” He has now run a wild Celebi!
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=nFvaj5WGAM8
    A wild Celebi appeared!

    “Really, textbox! I would have never guessed. Especially since it just came at me!” Nate said. Right after he said, “Alright Quick Ball, do your thing!”
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    “Damn! My last Ball! I knew I should have stocked up before leaving. Why did I leave my Master Ball at home! Wait… who is that?
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=cmBILwxzCH0
    *Cheren and Bianca in split screen* “Looker!” “What?!?” Hugh said. “What a stupid name. What’s next, you’re gonna tell me his name is Handsome in Japanese,” Nate said quietly. Juniper said “It’s about time you came to document this.”

    Looker said “Sorry, it took me a while to get here. There was a parade of fat guys in orange shirts in my way.” While he said that, he dropped something.

    While picking it up, Nate said “They came back, huh. How’d you get rid of thos---

    “ENOUGH! We’re wasting enough time as it is!” At that second, a green flash blared in front of him. When he opened his eyes all he could see were trees.
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=Ac8KQWP1d3I
    “Meet me where you fought Cobalion.” He looked behind him and saw the Celebi wiz toward Laconusa Town.

    Confused, he looked at his town map. It said he was in Black City, that didn’t seem right. Afterwards he looked at his the thing Looker had dropped. It was his Interpol database! They’re designed to know anything useful by updating every time new info is added to HQ. It didn’t normally know everything about the world, but since it was in a different time, the device was receiving intel from the past to the future!

    “Wow! This thing knows everything! What the hell is the Kalos region? Bet it’s full of a bunch of boring crap. You guys probably don’t want to hear about it.

    “White Forest, cut down to provide room for Black City. That explains the Map…”

    It was common for Nate to talk to himself, but when he looked around, he saw a bunch of confused people. He grabbed his bike and he rode right out of there.

    He traveled across the land. Searching far and wide…

    Until finally, he got to Route 13. “Hurry,” Celebi said, in a rush, “We don’t have much time!” “Nate followed blindly, wondering “Am I gonna fight Kyurem again?” Why else would I go to the Grand Chasm?”
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=evEROXg2IJE
    *Now in Hilbert’s, the hero of Black and White, point of view.*
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    “Gotcha, I caught Kyurem!” The boy said triumphantly. “Only 649 Poke Balls. Maybe I should have lowered its health. Or paralyzed it. Maybe I should have used Dusk Balls. Maybe I should upload videos more often. Maybe I should change my YT name. Maybe I should go on my forums more often. Maybe I shoul---

    “Genesect use Techno Blast!” The boy fell to the ground. It was obvious it he had died instantly. “Yes! Now I only have to get back at that inferior child.

    *Back in Nate’s point of view.*
    “Shocked, the boy trembled in fear as he heard that voice, coupled with that dreadful cloak he saw. There was no denying it.
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=8bgl5t7UFlg
    “I should have known you would have followed me here Celebi. And you brought my next target. Huh, but no I can’t kill him without you warning him constantly. No matter. In the end, he will die, and both who stood in my way before will die.”

    “Y-You’re the reason why Hilbert “disappeared.” You killed him. Ghetsis, you evil *******! You killed him!”

    “And if it weren’t for Celebi, you’d be dead as well. Well, for now, sayonara. I’ll deal with you when I see fit.”

    *Disappears with a blue flash.
    “Celebi what the hell is going on!?!?!”

    “Ghetsis has a final plan to take over the world. He’s going to catch some of the most powerful Pokemon in existence, going through time, over different regions, and use them to take over the world. You are our last hope; this is why I took you with me.”

    Next Time! New Beginnings!
    Last edited by herothezero; 08-15-2013 at 11:10 PM.
    Spoiler!

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    Last Time in Out of Time!
    Our hero Nate was teleported two years in the past by a talking Celebi! After witnessing Hilbert’s death, at the hands of the power-driven Ghetsis, he has just been told that he is the only one that can save the world at the hands of this madman!
    Chapter 3: New Beginnings!
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=evEROXg2IJE
    “What!” Nate said. “You expect me to do what! I don’t even know where he is, let alone how to stop him!”

    “Calm down.” Celebi said. “I sense he’s in the Kanto region, the year 2004.”

    “You sense him. What is he, a disturbance in the force? How did he get though time and space?”

    “You remember access points, correct. He time traveled.”

    “I guessed that.”

    “Can you let me finish you sarcastic ***? Anyway, after his defeat three months ago, he had gone to the Sinnoh region. He had to fulfill his childhood promise to a pen pal named Cyrus, and visit various places. He hired a nice young boy with blue hair to be his guide to the Spear Pillar. After a blue flash, he had teleported, and found himself, at the Radio Tower five years in the futures.”

    “So tell me, what’s the scientific phenomenon in that? One doesn’t simply teleport across the fabric of time.”

    “Remember when the Shadow Triad assaulted you in Iccurus City. They had dropped off Ghetsis to the Dragon Spiral Tower. He had found three shiny orbs, and picked up his favorite of the bunch. This would be the Adamant Orb. When it was returned to its home at Mt. Coronet, he was deemed not having truth in his conviction his life, so he couldn’t see Dialga. But his ideals in said conviction, they were powerful enough for him to use the orb for time travel. It’s a complex and yet simple process of one’s state of mind. Either way, he now can travel through time.”

    “Then why am I needed? Why not just tell that kid not to guide him? Why not snatch the Adamant Orb, why not make a detour at the mountain.”

    “Because what’s destined to happen, has happened. If it hasn’t been stopped by nature, Dialga, or Arceus, then it’s going to happen. And at this, Ghetsis can stop us as well. There’s no point in trying to end this all before it’s going to happen. All we can do is head to Cerulean City, nine years ago. All we can do is at least try to stop him and see what happens.”

    “Why don’t you know any loopholes to avoid this?!?!? Also, how don’t you know that “nature, Dialga, and Arceus” want this to happen!?!?!”

    “Listen to me kid! I need you to stop this madman! So we’re going to Cerulean City, whether or not you want to.”

    *Green Flash*
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=lyySK_DaKrU
    When the boy opened his eyes, he found himself on the Cerulean Cape. Celebi said “I’ll meet you afterwards!” After using his trusty Samarott to use Surf to Cerulean Cave, because he realized that if a legendary were ANYWHERE, it’d be in a local cave blocked off by some purple-haired idiot.

    “I’d like to go by please.”

    “Sorry, that’s a negative. I used to make it so you’d need eight badges to past, but after seeing some ****ed off, silent kid with a red hat, I decided to change the rule.”

    “You told him about it right?”

    “Either way, why don’t you fight Misty, from the Cerulean Gym. She’s nearby, and you only need one badge.”

    “Nah. I got eight badges.”

    *Shows Unova badge case*

    “Kid, I gotta tell ya, these are some pretty good fakes. You should leave before I call the cops for you making fraudulent badges.”

    The boy, thinking to himself, thought, “Of course, these aren’t Kanto badges, and he’s hasn’t been to Unova from the look of it. Hell, the Toxic Badge doesn’t even exist yet!”

    “Alright you got me, but next time I’ll come with a bona fide gym badge.”

    *In the gym*

    “Alright Misty, I’ve come for your badge!”

    “My WHAT! You little perv! Your worse than Brock!

    “I said BADGE!”

    “Oh, then get ready kid!"
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=nlfMwupLZ7A
    “Go Staryu!”

    “Leafeon, let’s do this!”

    Lefeon used Leaf Blade! Staryu fainted!

    “Go Starmie!”

    Leafeon used Leaf Blade! Starmie fainted!

    “That’s it this is no fair! My highest level Pokemon is at level 21. Your, whatever that is, is at level 69. I didn’t want to this but, go Kyogre!

    “What the hell! How’d you get that!”

    “None of your business, cheater! Kyogre use Ice Beam!

    Leafeon fainted!

    “Go Magnezone!”

    “Alright then punk, let me show you how an anime character does it! Kyogre, use Hydro Pump while spinning around!

    This was truly a spectacle. Not only did the Hydro Pump miss completely, the spin move broke the wall down, and Kyogre hit its head. It had fainted!

    Nate got the Cascade Badge!

    “Ha! Now you understand why Ash sucks AND why you got booted out of the anime, unlike Brock! Well, he would eventually, but that’s not the point!

    *Misty stands there, amazed.*

    “Alright see ya!”

    *In the Cave*
    BM- http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=KyxVCqP6A94
    “Celebi, you actually decided to come along.”

    “I’m here to guide you to the room of Mewtwo. Also, I don’t like to be seen in public.”

    “I bet the paparazzi are all over you, huh.”

    “Shut up and let’s go."

    *Five minutes later*

    “That was an easy capture.”

    “Damn! Celebi we couldn’t make it!”

    “What’s wrong, child. Was the time on your watch a couple hours off? Well then, see you soon”

    *Blue Flash*

    “Damn it, Nate! We got to get going now!”

    *Green Flash*
    Next Time in Out of Time! Landscaping!
    Last edited by herothezero; 08-18-2013 at 01:55 AM.
    Spoiler!

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    Ok their is a lot wrong with this so I will start with the description or lack their of. When you are writing battle scenes "Lefeon used Leaf Blade! Staryu fainted!" does not cut it. Just because it was a OHKO does not mean that it should lack any description what so ever. Try and show what is going on not just that leafeon used leaf blade but describe the attack don't assume we know what it looks like.

    2ed: "'Alright then punk, let me show you how an anime character does it!' Kyogre, use Hydro Pump while spinning around!

    This was truly a spectacle. Not only did the Hydro Pump miss completely, the spin move broke the wall down, and Kyogre hit its head. It had fainted!

    Nate got the Cascade Badge!

    “Ha! Now you understand why Ash sucks AND why you got booted out of the anime, unlike Brock! Well, he would eventually, but that’s not the point!"

    I'm sorry but their is just so much wrong with this section of the story. I realize you were trying to be funny but you didn't even manage a slight smile from me. When trying to do comedy you need to take into consideration the character and the setting. First off my impression is that this is set in the Game cannon so the idea that Misty flat out states that she is an anime character is wrong also the kyogre thing didn't make sense what so ever. The only thing you accomplished with this is making a farce of your entire story by breaking the fourth wall in such a blatant and plot altering way and giving Misty a legendary pokemon that knocks itself out only made it worse.

    Now the plot idea is actually pretty good I will give you props for your creativity their but everything else is much to be desired

    I do hope you take these criticisms to heart and improve the quality of this story as the plot has a lot of potential if written correctly
    I'm Elso, I'm a writer, singer, and will soon also be working on creating a Youtube Channel

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    Quote Originally Posted by Elso579 View Post
    Ok their is a lot wrong with this so I will start with the description or lack their of. When you are writing battle scenes "Lefeon used Leaf Blade! Staryu fainted!" does not cut it. Just because it was a OHKO does not mean that it should lack any description what so ever. Try and show what is going on not just that leafeon used leaf blade but describe the attack don't assume we know what it looks like.

    2ed: "'Alright then punk, let me show you how an anime character does it!' Kyogre, use Hydro Pump while spinning around!

    This was truly a spectacle. Not only did the Hydro Pump miss completely, the spin move broke the wall down, and Kyogre hit its head. It had fainted!

    Nate got the Cascade Badge!

    “Ha! Now you understand why Ash sucks AND why you got booted out of the anime, unlike Brock! Well, he would eventually, but that’s not the point!"

    I'm sorry but their is just so much wrong with this section of the story. I realize you were trying to be funny but you didn't even manage a slight smile from me. When trying to do comedy you need to take into consideration the character and the setting. First off my impression is that this is set in the Game cannon so the idea that Misty flat out states that she is an anime character is wrong also the kyogre thing didn't make sense what so ever. The only thing you accomplished with this is making a farce of your entire story by breaking the fourth wall in such a blatant and plot altering way and giving Misty a legendary pokemon that knocks itself out only made it worse.

    Now the plot idea is actually pretty good I will give you props for your creativity their but everything else is much to be desired

    I do hope you take these criticisms to heart and improve the quality of this story as the plot has a lot of potential if written correctly
    Thank you for your critique. The thing about the humor is that it's meant to be illogical and break the fourth wall. I may try to be less obvious with these jokes in the future. Also, I'll try to be more descriptive with the battles.

    Now on hiatus
    Last edited by herothezero; 08-25-2013 at 04:24 PM.
    Spoiler!

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