Earthbound 2.0

[Ninten]

A fan-fic based off one of my all time favorite series, Earthbound. Enjoy!

"Come on Steve, throw the ball" Yelled a boy, whose name should be revealed by the paragraph below.

"You wouldn't be able to hit it anyways, Mike," said Steve, and snickered. This young man is the main character, hero boy, of this story. "One.... two..... three!" and wipped the ball at Mike. The ball flew swiftly, so fast that if you blinked you would miss it. Hitting something like this may seem impossible, but Mike raised his bat up, holding onto it tightly, and "CRACK" went the bat, and sent the ball flying. Still soaring for a few minutes, it then landed, not by the usual "THUMP" sound in a bush, but by the sound of glass breaking in the distance, of which that house with that broken window lived your usual cranky ol' lady who yells at kids in books.

"Oh man... we better run!" said Steve.

"Meh, I was planning to go earlier anyways, its really hot out here. I see heat waves all over the place, and besides, I'm DYING to play Earthobund 2.0 right now. race you to my house!" yelled Steve. And the 2 boys ran, little knowing about the events that will end there freindship forever.

Feedback plz.
EDIT: I know, its short, but I promise you a longer chapter next time. And, before I spam the troll buttom again, new chapters ever FRIDAy, fRIDAY! at 8:00.

[Jade]

I didn't enjoy this at all. Like you said in your edit, it was very short, but that isn't the only thing I had a problem with this fan fiction.

"Come on Steve, throw the ball" Yelled a boy, whose name should be revealed by the paragraph below.

Don't ever introduce someone like that. You don't actually have to say that in the first line and it isn't necessary. It is sloppy and it could have been revealed with just the dialogue.

This young man is the main character, hero boy, of this story.

Don't ever do this either. You already revealed the role and occupation of the characters before anything that actually happens. Reveal the role and occupation as the story goes on. (Not straight out and say it, but based on the actions of the character.)

Detail is lacking also. I know you can do better than "young man". If you were doing first person I wouldn't be as harsh (because the writing styles are completely different because first person is a lot of emotional detail), but since this is third person I will judge this harshly. The detail is lacking.

Where is this taking place? Where are the characters when the story begins? All you established that there were a collection of houses and a bush. Are they in a neighbor hood park? A back yard? A tree house even?

"Meh, I was planning to go earlier anyways, its really hot out here. I see heat waves all over the place, and besides, I'm DYING to play Earthobund 2.0 right now. race you to my house!

The readers get the point that he really wants to play Earthbound 2.0 with just the dialgoue, so there is no need for "dying" to be in all capital letters. Some explanation why he wanted to play it would have helped the story in the detail department.

...ol' lady

You mean old right? Don't ever use slang, unless it is in dialogue. Fan fictions are works of literature made by fans. There shouldn't be so much slang in the context. The only time where slang can be used is in dialogue. (First person, however, is a different story)

And the 2 boys ran,

Any number that is in the range of 1 - 100 must be written out.

There really wasn't much I particularly liked. It was too short to actually find things many things to like. However, I did like seeing the use of the onomatopoeia.

~Jade